July 15, 2024

‘Sex can still be great, even without an orgasm’ –

Kristin Davis

one is going to say that they long for better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship with their friends unless they are talking to their psychologist. There the real truths come out. And one ‘problem’ that people want to discuss with a sexpert is the fact that they enjoy sex, but they never orgasm. They worry about how long it takes them to orgasm – that if they don’t orgasm, their partner will be upset [1]. Many people, particularly women wonder how long it should take them to orgasm. Let’s take a look-see at what sexperts say about whether we should be worrying about how long we take to orgasm or not.

Some women worry they take too long so they let their partner finish

Because sex is different for each and every one of us, there isn’t really a set time that it should take a woman to orgasm. Jessica O’Reilly, a sex and relationship expert says that when you worry so much about how long it’s going to take you to orgasm, you cut out the excitement and pleasure of the moment. She says that “When it comes to sex, averages are mostly useless because individual variation and experience are highly varied. Just as the average time it takes to run a mile varies from person to person, the average time to orgasm also varies greatly.”

Don’t worry about the time

It is true that you might feel stressed about the fact that it’s been some time and you have not climaxed yet. Rather focus on the sexy sensations that feel good for you. Look what Psychology Today says about this matter in any case: ‘Across multiple different studies from the last several decades of research, scientists have consistently observed that between 60 and 80 percent of women will not orgasm during sex, and that a further 10 percent won’t orgasm at all in their lifetime.’

So take heart! We are going to give you some help here to help you to focus on the moment and stop wondering when you are going to orgasm.

Don’t get pressured about trying to orgasm during sex

The more relaxed you are, the more likely you will be to have an orgasm [2]. It might be hard in the moment not to be self-aware of how long you are taking. But remember that there isn’t a right length of time to orgasm. Remember, too, that sex can still be pleasurable without orgasms. O’Reilly says it “isn’t a race”. The length of time you take to orgasm will vary with your sleep patterns, mood, health, level of arousal, menstrual cycle, and what you are doing physically at that moment in time. For instance, if your partner is thrusting his penis in and out, it might take longer for you to orgasm than if he were massaging or vibrating your clitoris on the outside. “Some people find that when they slow down and take their time, they enjoy higher arousal and more powerful orgasms once they do arrive,” says O’Reilly.

Stimulating your clitoris

In one study in 2018 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine on women, the women reported orgasm more when they masturbated over partner sex [3]. It comes down to the fact that most women need more than just penetrative sex to orgasm. Elisabeth Lloyd’s study on The Case of the Female Orgasm revealed that only 20-25% of women can climax from penetration alone. If you find you can’t orgasm just from penetration, try to get your partner to apply direct clitoral stimulation to your clitoris for you to reach orgasm. All the sensations around that is a delight. Your partner could stroke your clit with his fingers during sex. And in other positions, like you being on top, your partner can place his fingertips against your clitoris, something for you to grind yourself against. There’s also the delightful vibrating cock ring for you to enjoy clitoral stimulation with your partner; to provide vibration for both of you!

Get your pleasures first before orgasm

Research knows that the average male does reach orgasm faster than the average female [4]. That means he is more than likely to orgasm before you do. But if you are still feeling sexy and he has already climaxed, this does not mean the sex is over.  Foreplay is ideal and it’s about focusing on you [5]. Try not to have penetrative sex until you feel like the foreplay has stimulated you enough that you feel like you are almost there or well on the way.

Also, once you have started having sex, try out positions that are less stimulating for your partner than they are for you.  A man thoroughly enjoys intense thrusting, but it can generally lead to him having a quick orgasm. If you focus more on grinding over the thrusting, you might be able to slow your partner down. Think of the sideways straddle or other positions where you are on top in the beginning. These work very well. Or, the two of you could take a break during penetrative sex where your partner pulls his dick out and spends time stroking or licking your clit. Using a vibrator during this time will give you that extra stimulation. This time can be a wonderful tease for you both, building up the intensity before penetrative sex again.

Talk to your partner if he is pressuring you to have an orgasm

It is true that some women feel pressured to orgasm by their partners. If this is the case with you, the best thing to do is to talk to your partner about it. “If your partner keeps asking ‘did you come?’ let them know how this makes you feel,” O’Reilly says. She says, “Some people prefer sex to take a few minutes, and some people like it to last for an hour — and it varies from day to day, so your communication about your desires needs to be ongoing.”

Don’t forget the lubes

The importance of using a lubricant can’t be overstated. Lots of people remember the days when a tube of KY Jelly was produced. Not anymore! These days, there are literally teams of high-quality lubes available to you on the market, and tasty fruity ones at that! Even if you are naturally wet during foreplay, etc., it’s still a good idea to try and use lubricant, because it’s so sexily silky and slithery, to allow for exciting sensations whilst having sex. Don’t pile it on though. Try putting some directly onto your clitoris, and you will feel how it makes the stimulation more sexy and intense.

It’s about fun!

Discovering what your body wants during sex will require a bit of experimentation and exploration. Some people who visit sexperts talk about their embarrassment trying out new positions, etc. when they are with their partner because it makes them feel self-conscious and awkward. If you are afraid of looking stupid, it can kill the mood. A good suggestion is to have some sexy sessions for the purpose of exploring some of these positions and tricks. Make room for mistakes, bring in humor and fun, and be playfully silly as you learn and talk about it!


It’s true that many people let sex go to their heads when it comes to timing when they will orgasm. If they don’t orgasm, they think something is not right, or that their partner won’t be pleased with them. Overthinking about how long your orgasm is going to take actually just encourages the process to be delayed and makes it harder to come. When you do find yourself becoming distracted by your thoughts, take a deep breath and turn your attention to the moment, pleasures, feelings, and sensations. When you focus on pleasure over your anxious thoughts, that orgasm is probably just around the corner! And it could turn into some crackling fireworks-sex between the two of you.